devastated, but not defeated

I don't even know what to call this post...because nothing seems to fit. Let me just tell it like it is...yesterday I got fired from the gym that I instruct at.

It all started on Thursday morning when I invited some girlfriends over to do a workout with me. That morning while I was waiting on them to arrive, my over-active brain started working on an idea...an idea of how COOL it would be if I could rent a space or borrow a church or school gymnasium and teach a fitness class in the small town I live in. I live about 25 minutes away from the town that the gym is located in-and in our little town-there isn't ANY kind of place that offers group fitness classes....so....I thought this would be great! I could teach a class in town on a day that I don't teach at the gym. It would also be beneficial for my Beachbody business because since this wouldn't be associated with the gym, I could use my P90X, Insanity and TurboFire workouts for these classes...sort of a "Fit Club". It sounded pretty exciting and cool, so I posted on Facebook to see if any of my hometown buddies would be interested....and lots of them were. Cool beans I thought! This is gonna be so fun!

Then Friday got here...
First of all I got a "reality check" email from a sweet friend who was helping me see the un-profitable-ness of my idea. If I only charged $3 per class, it would never be enough to pay the rent somewhere. She was right. I was discouraged....BUT....I'm a dreamer and I'm quite impulsive sometimes. This particular time my thoughts got away from me and I guess before I'd really thought it through, I let my excitement get the best of me and I posted on FB to see if there'd be a response. But after reading her e-mail and seeing her put the "pencil to the paper" and show me the figures...I could see her point. At that rate, I was going to be LOSING money. Poo!

It was oh....a few minutes later when I got an email from another friend, letting me know that she was going to cancel her "coach" status under me. Another disappointment. I understand her reasons completely, but...still that was something I've been hoping for and working towards and it finally happened and then it was being taken away.

So...then I start to see a major shift in my mood...suddenly I'm not in a chipper cheerful mood anymore. I'm feeling like I've just been slapped.....NO! I say to myself....I am God's chosen daughter, whom He deeply loves and has empowered and nothing can touch me! I post that on FB....and I'm trying---really trying to not let these little disappointments ruin my day.

I can NOT let them ruin my day because today is Brooklyn's BIG 10th birthday slumber party at a hotel and I've got to be "ON" for 3 very excited and expecting little girls for the next 24 hours.

Fast forward a couple of hours...I step out of the shower in time to get a call from my boss at the gym. She starts out by saying "I love my job but I hate this part of it"....and I get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that KNOWS something bad is coming.
She then proceeds to tell me that I'm fired. I can't teach at the gym anymore effective immediately...and all because I posted on FB that I "was thinking about teaching a class in my town somewhere"......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT??????????
I was in shock...I mean......really???? It was just an IDEA...a THOUGHT...something I hadn't even begun to carry out. How can that be a reason to FIRE ME? Do they think I'm a malicious evil person who sets out to do wrong things and then post it on the world wide web for everyone to see? I've done nothing but bend over backwards for that place. I give them 110% every. single. time. I've taught when I'm sick, I've canceled plans to sub for someone else, I've covered for people with only 10 minutes notice. I've taught 3 fitness classes in a ROW before because the teacher after me didn't show up for her class so I stayed and taught YOGA even though I was 100% unprepared...because THAT is the kind of person I am. When I work for someone, I give them ALL of me. I work for them as if I were working for the Lord. I believe that is the right way to be and some people call me a brown-noser or a butt-kisser but I don't care because that is who I am and that is the kind of person I would want working for me. I have a pure heart that never seeks to do wrong or harm anyone and the last thing I would ever intentionally do is hurt the company that pays my bills. I felt like my person, my integrity and my intentions were being attacked...and so...then came the tears. Buckets and buckets of them. Sobs. All my friends from class. All my relationships that I've made there. All the hard work I've put in and money I've spent! MONEY!!!!!!!! It dawns on me that I JUST SPENT $300 to get AFAA certified and now I'll never have the opportunity to make that money back. Not even to mention the wireless mic, countless CD's and workout gear!....more tears....

Then...chalk it up to irony or coincidence or salt in the wound, but as I leave the house for this slumber party, I quickly grab the mail and LOW AND BEHOLD what is in there? My "Congratulations you are now AFAA Certified" papers! Yes...when I normally would have been celebrating and breathing a GIGANTIC sigh of relief and gratefulness that I passed my test (and with an 89%!) ...instead it just feels like someone is poking a needle around in an open wound. At that moment, I don't even WANT to be AFAA certified...I just want this whole nightmare to END!

Nevertheless...I know I HAVE to put this out of my mind for the evening and focus on making this party special for my daughter....and so I did.

But now it's Saturday and reality slapped me in the face the moment I woke up...and it's eating at me from the inside and I feel like I'm wasting away. I'm shutting down. I want away from people and facebook and organizations and businesses and corporations and groups. The devil is having his way with my mind...telling me what an idiot I am and that I can't EVER keep my mouth shut. That every time I talk I mess something up and I should just SHUT THE HECK UP for good.
But sadly for him...I know what a liar he is and I recognize his evil voice when it speaks to me. Thankfully, I'm wise enough to know that I need to run hard and fast into the arms of God....and so I read my Bible (actually, it was Gideon's :) this morning and although I turned to Psalm 91 for some encouragement...after I read it...I happened upon Psalm 94.,,,"The Lord my defender!" Wow...that is EXACTLY what I need right now....more than anything in the world...I need the Lord to be my defender. I didn't do anything wrong at all...and anyone who knows me KNOWS that I live to 1) please the Lord and 2) please people and if "Corporate" at the gym felt that I was a threat to their business more than an asset, then it will have to be God Himself who defends me.

Lastly, I have to say a HUGE thanks to 1) Shelley...who taught me everything I know. Who has been a million times more than "just" an instructor to me. Shell you are a precious friend and I will forever be a different and better woman because of you!
2) Matt, my better half, my best friend. You left work early, brought me roses home and had tears in your eyes for me as you handed them to me. Nothing on earth has ever meant more to me than those tears did. That said "I LOVE YOU" more than anything ever has in my whole life!
3) Rene, my dear friend, who listened to me cry and then without a second thought went straight from regular conversation into an amazing spontaneous prayer for me. That touched me so deeply. Thank you for being with me for the last 24 hours and keeping me from doing anything stupid or crazy that I would have surely regretted!
4) All of my other friends, classmates and loved ones that have supported me and will support me as soon as you read this and know what's going on. I love you...and my cup overflows!

Please pray for the man who fired me. He needs the Lord-obviously. And while you're at it, throw a prayer up for me too...cuz this "tough girl" doesn't feel tough at ALL anymore. (sniff-sniff)